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| Things I want, aren't things I need. Things I need aren't always the things I want...
I want the new PSP...
I want an iPod classic...
I want a Canon EOS 5D...
I want the wade2.0 converse...
I want these materialistic goods...
It's Christmas soon, but even before that...It's my birthday, my 18th. A milestone- supposedly, but if I never grow up, no one will think I'm 18. I don't want to be 18, I like my age, but I guess these things will always happen, I'll have to move on from Secondary school, and start at the bottom of the ladder again. Bit like my walk with Christ, I pick myself up after each failing and jump leaps and bounds in my faith...until I stumble again, then I start at the bottom again, bogged down with pessimism. I'm flying high...so high in fact, that I forget I need Him. Everything seems to be going well, religiously, academically, and I forget that I am most vulnerable when I am physically most comfortable. I have so much to do, the agenda doesn't actually contain a full-stop, but I give myself breaks, breaks not only from study, but breaks from God. I claim my identity; an identity which God is an integral part of, but then I go and shoot myself in the foot...
I started off so well, maybe too well...
I got to the point where I was only thinking of luxuries and neglected the necessities, the very basics, the essentials for me to be myself were discarded. I forgot the want the things I need...
...and it's only Tuesday. | | |
| I guess, more often than not, I need to find a source of outlet, be it blogging, praying, a bad temper, and the prior two are very prominent. If I go through my blogs or things I've prayed about throughout my life, I'll probably find that they are morbid topics, and cries desperation. I've come to consider it human nature; selfishness is essentially a human characteristic. If I wasn't so desperate and couldn't do anything myself I wouldn't be 'wasting' my time asking for help or sharing my troubles. If I wasn't in such a bad mood, I wouldn't need to share my life in a bid for other's sympathy, if I myself weren't so inadequate, I would be doing something to benefit myself.
I admit, I do forget important things in my life when things are well, when I'm at a party- enjoying myself, I wouldn't phone home to tell my parents I'm coming home late. If I was in the presence of a friend, I wouldn't call another friend to see how they were doing. As far as I'm content, I wouldn't do anything extra, because I wouldn't consider it necessary.
So today, I was reading the paper in the library because I had a free, and none of the art rooms were available. A friend of mine comes up to me and says, "Are you playing tomorrow"...huh o.0" -You see, by this point, I hadn't been training for another two weeks or so, and was wondering if I was in the basketball at all, so the conversation continued, "What do you mean?" I replied. "Well, we have a county game tomorrow, and the national cup game on wednesday. You probably have to play in one of them." ..."Oh okay, I'll go check"
Presuming that I would only have to go because they don't want to tire some of our players out before the national cup game, I expected to be put in for the county cup game against Misbourne, to my suprise, not only was I put down for that game, but also the national cup fixture against John Mason, a school in Oxford; coincidentally, that game was on the day that my Oxford interview wouldn've been, had I received one that is. Just ironic how things work out the way they do and that I will still be going to Oxford on the 5th of Dec, but not for the reasons I thought. In the same way, I guess you may be expecting things to happen, and a lot of the times they do- eventually, but the route towards it may not be the same as the route you thought/had hoped it would be, but things do work out, just have faith guys! | | |
| Today's been interesting for me, if I had to name a day that I experienced the most falls in my life, it would be today...and don't they say it's funny how things come in pairs? Well it is, and today they came in crestfalling pairs, but I don't feel crestfallen, if anything, today was necessary.
I'll tell it in a chronological order- During break, as everyone was watching the NFL on tv, which is awesome and should ALWAYS be on! Someone pushed through from behind me, barging me out the way, I was suprised because off the rugby pitch no one shoved me in school, it made me realise how new I still was and that if I had still been in QE I would've challenged anyone for doing something like that, I knew the person, he was in my form, but he didn't care, and I didn't feel the need to challenge him, it seemed all too unnecessary and petty.
At lunch time I went basketball training, it had been a while because I was ill for a lot of last week and hadn't trained, but none-the-less I was suprised that I wasn't in the squad for monday's national cup game. I was disappointed, but it wasn't enough to destroy my confidence per se.
As I got off the tube to walk home, someone on the platform riding a bike, just decides to ride into me, holding my kit and school bag, I was completely jolted and did a skip, but I continued to walk without complaint, despite the murmuring couple behind me.
And just now, as I arrived home, I had received a letter from Oxford explaining that they've already rejected me, prior to an interview, once again, although it seems like a high price to pay, it was neither expected nor unexpected, I now understand what Jon said when he was happy he could do law anywhere at all. It's a respectable course and doing it anywhere would be enough. This is in no way consolation for myself, and I don't feel like I need to be consoled either, because for too long now, I've been relying too much on my own strength, when there is strength and foundation far stronger and firmer than myself. I only realise as my own foundations of confidence and pride are being shaken, deservedly. Relying on my own strength and superficial things around me will not suffice, because I am not firm on my own.
I just have to believe that:
'God has the right plan for me.'
...and I know full well, he is part of that plan, neglecting Him is truly neglecting life. | | |
| [Another hyperbolic rant, if you can't stand the drama refrain from reading.]...why on earth did I use square brackets?
So people...what do YOU go to the library to do?
I've realised that in my area at least, I'm the complete antithesis of the other local residents...we have one of those nice pseudo-modern, impractical, uncomfortable semi coffee-shop-like libraries that just got moved from a more convenient location, the previous library was stuffy and dusty, but at least the majority of people went there to work, and most importantly the upstairs was quiet; no children running about, disturbing the shelves of invaluable literature (I don't actually believe that). But now- now- tragically and sorrowfully, this new library is just a pestilance in itself. There are about 30-35 computers all over the place and the children's area could hardly be said to be separated from anything else, my sanctuary has been demolished, it's almost- sacreligious ='(
The very things I go to the library to get away from stalks me now. I need to find somewhere safe, somewhere without computers and internet, children and toys, noise and hooligans. The local residents seem to relish in all these things, the library is packed with people from all social cliques, people you expect to be sitting in a park smoking pot, people you expect to be at home cutting themselves (okay, I know I'm getting a bit extreme- but let me vent a bit). The library is transforming itself to seem more accessible to the public, and on a shallow POV it seems beneficial, getting youngsters into the library rather than harrassing people on the streets, but I ask ONE THING and one thing only...
...can we get sound-proof cubicals?
on another note. I haven't heard from any other unis. =D | | |
| I see why everyone's coming back to xanga now. Writing notes on facebook is all very nice, but I wouldn't want everyone on facebook to be reading the stuff I share on xanga, probably out of shame, out of becoming transparent and a fear of being judged, whatever it is, xanga is more personal, and you, my subscribers are more intimate friends.
Well, let's start with the good news, I'm probably the first person this year to hear something from LSE, unfortunately it was a rejection, and my first reply thus far. I haven't been affected by it...much. It's not my first choice, but Oxford seems to be slipping further away too. With hindsight, I see a tonne of flaws with my UCAS application, and some would say it's too aspirational, I'll respond to that once I get ALL my replies =D. So, in general things aren't looking good for me, a lot of family stuff has happened too, but fortunately that's resolving itself. But, I refuse to stress and fret, it would be too uncharacteristic of me.
God just doesn't want me to go LSE XD | | |
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